Seeing Is Believing

How many times have you said you wouldn’t believe something unless you saw it with you own eyes…especially in this day and age of photo manipulation!

And how many times have you unwittingly documented something with your camera that got someone else out of a fix…because they were able to see it though your eyes?!

Here’s how it happened:

Last April, almost a year ago, demolition began on the two-story apartment buildings on two sides of our senior complex here in the Netherlands.  By December it was all knocked down, leveled, kaput…with nothing left but the dirt to walk on.

First, bricks were knocked out to release the bats.  Then the hazmat suits arrived, clearing out any traces of asbestos lurking inside the 50-year-old structures.  [We who watched just feet away wondered if we, too, should have been insulated?]

When the salvage crews arrived to tear off the roof tiles, everything broke down to a science.  What to keep and what to toss became a methodical, poetic flow.  Leave it to the Dutch, I always say.  They know what they’re doing.

As I nosed around with the camera, I eventually met Hoomer, the foreman.  After introductions, he kindly asked if I’d send him my photos, which I did through my blog posts.  And that started a long camaraderie throughout the next months as each phase of the demolition ended. 

Hoomer operated the steam shovel that picked up building pieces like toothpicks.  It was a game to him, leaving no brick unturned.  If he could rescue a window in its frame or an entire staircase, he’d treat it with kid gloves, placing it gently in the salvage truck.

Once nothing remained but rubble, the rock crusher came in to grind cement into gravel.  It would become the foundation of roadways here in the Netherlands, Hoomer said.  Nothing would go to waste.

By then it was December.  The project was finally over and done with…I thought. 

Wrong! 

Now was the time to shore up the land, so to speak…which had been the problem to begin with.  The buildings had been torn down [way too young at 50 years!] because the land below sea level was collecting too much water, messing up the sewer and drainage systems.  [Chalk it up to global warming, I say, because we know the Dutch weren’t dumb 50 years ago.  They know how to pump out water!]

Which is where the unwitting part comes in. 

Truckload after truckload of dirt started arriving.  4234 cubic meters of dirt, to be exact.  At 16 cubic meters per truckload, do the math:  265 truckloads!

So out came the camera again to document the real last phase of the work.  Now, PAY ATTENTION. 

First, worteldoek (root-control tarps) were spread out on the ground before the dirt was dumped on top.  Until new apartments could be rebuilt (once the economy righted itself), grass would grow…without weeds or roots popping through.

However, when we bumped into Hoomer during last-minute sidewalk repair and cleanup in January, he asked if by chance I had taken any pictures of the root tarps being laid.  The city’s environmental agency had received his bill but wasn’t convinced he had done it, wanting proof by digging through the dirt to see it with their own eyes.

Ironically, those were the only images of the entire project I had not yet processed/posted.  Once I sent them to him, he wrote back to say I had saved his ass day! 

You know what they say:  the camera never lies.  And some things cannot be manipulated!  Seeing is believing, even if it’s 2 or 3 persons removed.

On Coloring Outside the Lines

I’ve started coloring again! 

All those books I collected 10 years ago…12 of them, with Celtic designs, knots and mazes (some as stained glass on translucent paper); Native American mandalas; op art and prismatic designs; Viking art…all of them I brought over The Big Pond 3 years ago to my new Dutch home. 

Along with my 100-felt-tipped-pen set.

However.  I do NOT like coloring outside the lines!  In fact, whenever I do it accidentally, it bothers the heck out of me.  And that’s putting it mildly. 

[It also bothers the heck out of me that the above scan has many color gaps/separations within the lines that are not in the original.  I'm such a darn perfectionist.  But this post isn't about that.  It's about what's outside the lines.] 

Which is to say I’ve never liked that metaphor:  coloring outside the lines.  After having it drummed into me since birth that I must stay INSIDE the lines, or else, why would I ever want to break the rules.  Especially since I’m a people pleaser!  It’s stuck deep within my psyche.  And it’s made me a very uncurious, safe person.

Somewhere along the line it starts seeping in:  Wear purple when you’re old.  Eat dessert first.  Dance as though no one’s looking.  Quit your job if you don’t like it.  Get more for less.  Ignore the curfew.  Skinny dip.  Sneak out.  Live like you’ll die tomorrow.  Stop conforming.  Rebel against the system.  Do something stupid.  Belly laugh.  Embarrass your kids.  Pick up pennies.  Bend the bullet.  Break the rules. 

Speaking of breaking the rules, we're supposed to do that as photographers…and writers…as though it’s expected of us, right?  Learn the rules first…all those stops and whistles…and then try to manipulate them into something different, better, more artistic, more…you.  Textures.  Poetry.  Anything that makes you more than ordinary.  Outstanding in your field.

Then sometimes it surprises us, when we give ourselves permission, to find we really like when that happens!  We trust ourselves to inch closer to the edge because change needs to happen.  Some of us even jump and just go for it.  We cross the line.

Many women before us made decisions that changed their world…or the world: 

Joan of Arc.  Sojourner Truth.   Jane Austen.  Simone de Beauvoir.  Catherine the Great.  Shirley Temple Black.  Cleopatra.  Pearl Buck.  Marie Curie.  Annie Leibovitz.  Amelia Earhart.  Anne Frank.  Indira Ghandi.  Helen Keller.  Frida Kahlo.  Billie Jean King.  Meryl Streep.  Mother Theresa.  Georgia O’Keeffe.  Rosa Parks.  Pocohontas.  Eleanor Roosevelt.  Margaret Thatcher....

They all colored outside the lines.

Lots of heroes to trust, if we can’t yet trust ourselves…while we find out what makes us tick, giving ourselves the leeway to follow beats of other drummers, without caring a hoot what anyone else thinks.

Is it risky?  Is it scary?  Is it against the status quo?  Yes, Yes, and Yes.  But the alternative is downright…BORING.  Marianne Williamson sums it up: 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? 

One of my over-used felt-tipped pens gave up the ghost the other day.  It was one of my favorite colors that I milked dry over 10 years.  Maybe it’s a sign I’m supposed to start using new colors? 

And just maybe that's one way for me to start…coloring outside the lines?

The Answer is Within You

From Medicine Woman Tarot, created by Carol Bridges

But how exactly do you find it!

For several weeks at the end of the old year I was plagued by jumbled thoughts and overly-sensitive emotions about an issue.  I tried to put my finger on it.  Things weren’t quite right.  No sense of camaraderie.  The familiar was gone and nothing left felt cozy or comforting. 

I couldn’t enter the New Year with this detritus.  It would destroy me.  I needed clarity but knew it would take work to find it.  I’d have to go back to the desert to dig up dry bones and connect them.  Breathe life into them.  Find an answer.

Where did this come from?  Why was it affecting me like this?  How could I fix it?  Did I even want to!

So, I breathed in and out.  In and out.  Deeply.  Slowly.  Deliberately.

As I cradled the deck of cards in my hands, I knew the answer was within me.  I shuffled the cards, slowly.  I breathed over them.  Held them lovingly.  They’d pick up the warmth of my psychic energy and would not disappoint.  I believed in them.  They believed in me.  The answer was within me.

I chose a 3-card spread:  what’s been holding me (past), how does it sit with me today (present), and how can it take me to a higher level (future)?

I stopped shuffling and broke the deck, laying out the top 3 cards in order, left to right:

1.  PAST:  2 of Arrows/Swords
vacillation, defensiveness, repressed emotions, blindness to truth, doubt, paralysis, in the dark.

A choice needs to be made.  Unable to make decision.  Stuck.  Fear of consequences.  Disagreement or conflict with someone.  Overwhelmed. 

Interpretation:  Must be honest with self, clear the air and move on.  Take responsibility for my own desires and limitations.

2.  PRESENT:  4 of Bowls/Cups
loneliness, introspection, apathy, inertia, self-absorption, self-pity, despair.

Resentment/disappointment because expectations haven’t been fulfilled.  Let down.  Feelings of isolation.  Deeply hurt.  Dissatisfaction.  Strong desire for change.

  

Interpretation:  Reevaluate present circumstances.  Take responsibility for impasse.  Adopt new approach.  Restore myself.  Move past worries/fears to love myself and accept love from others.

3.  FUTURE:  17 Grandfathers/Star
spiritual vision, birth, independence, calmness, free-flowing love, trust, tranquility, peace of mind, serenity, generosity, hope.

Faith in better future.  Renewed trust in life.  Light at the end of the tunnel.  Wish-fulfillment.  Joy.  Help is on its way.  Happy outcome expected.  Spiritual prosperity.  Clarity.

Interpretation:  Release doubts and fears.  Act in accordance with my true nature for tranquility and inner peace.  Serve and give with gratitude.  Stay calm and relaxed for efforts to come to fruition.

Within 2 days of the New Year, I found my answer.  I had clarity and the weight of the world fell off my shoulders.

I grew up on daily meditations, using the Bible and/or devotional books for what we called Quiet Time.  After my divorce in 1990, ostracized by the organized church for being a gay woman, I delved into the world of my maternal grandfather, one of America’s astrology forefathers back in the ‘20s.

Shortly thereafter I discovered Tarot meditation and found hundreds of decks from which to choose.  Someone said to choose a deck that spoke to me!  When I found Medicine Woman Tarot, with deference to Mother Earth and Native American healing, I immediately chose it.  Or perhaps She chose me, to guide my new journey.

And thus began the travel into my inner, psychic self.  I really do believe the answers are within us and can be found, regardless of what tools we use. 

So many questions answers; so little time.  Let’s go find them in 2013! 

Joy to the World

The first time I heard that the Jews, Christians and Muslims all share the same, foundational Holy Writ (the Torah, the 5 books of Moses in the Old Testament, and the Tawrat/Quran), was…I’m so ashamed to say…when I was in my 40s.  [How is that possible, coming from a preacher’s home?!]

Assuming Google is correct, ca. 33% of the world’s population are Christian (1 out of 3 people); 25% are Muslim (1 out of 4 people); and 0.2% are Jewish (1 out of 514 people).  Quick math:  ca. 58% of the world’s population share the same Holy Scripture.

The impact of this starts hitting home when you consider that most of the world apparently grew up with The Ten Commandments:  Thou shalt not kill, for starters. 

For those of us who are Christian, Jesus came early on the scene with his Sermon on the Mount, calling the peacemakers “blessed” and saying that those who are angry are as bad as those who kill.  He said, in essence, that the letter of the law has a spirit:  the law is fulfilled when we are peacemakers, not just when we don’t kill.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since Astrid and I visited Antwerp’s Jewish neighborhood over the Thanksgiving weekend and found ourselves surrounded by Orthodox Jews leaving their synagogues on their Sabbath.  Wars and rumors of war between Israel and Palestine and potentially Iran, to say nothing of the entire Middle East, are rumbling in the brain’s recesses.  Just more of the same ol’ same ol’ on the CNN Int'l news I watch here in the Netherlands.  Including now what just happened in Newtown, CT, closer to home. 

Now, jump to this.

Remember when Jesus also said to love your neighbor as yourself…and how many of us grew up emphasizing the neighbor part but not the yourself part?!  How can you possibly love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself first, right?!  Yada yada yada.  [And when did we learn that in church?]

But.  If you don’t love yourself, how can you be a peacemaker?  If you aren’t a peacemaker, how can you have joy?  If you don’t love yourself how can you have joy!  If you’re angry, how can you love yourself and make peace and have joy?  And that’s not even 6 degrees of separation!

I often say “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”  How about also “Let there be love on earth and let it begin with me loving myself.”

And how about “Let there be JOY TO THE WORLD and let it begin with me in my own heart!”

Evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out.
The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena
but the small clearing of each heart.
--Yann Martel, Life of Pi