On Pleasing All the People All the Time

It can't be done, of course, but why does it take some of us so dang long to figure out!

Repetition aside, I was born into a preacher's home, #3 of 8 kids, where everything we did was under scrutiny of Dad's congregation and community (or so he thought).  There were many things we were not allowed to do because  we were preacher's kids.  What would people think!  Add to that the #3 positioning and I became what John Bradshaw calls a Golden Child in my family.  I did everything right.  I was a people pleaser.  [I wasn't dumb!]

First, I studied hard and was Salutatorian of my high school class.  I graduated from the well-respected Univerity of Michigan.  Then I became a missionary-linguist to a tribal group in Peru whose language had not yet been written.  After coming back home to marry Bill, we worked in a ministry to college students for 16 years.  It was all like clockwork.  Doing what everyone expected from me.  High up on a pedestal.  Beaming people all around.

Then I fell from grace.  Kaboom.  After 21 years of a good marriage, Bill and I divorced because my being gay just wasn't going away, no matter how hard I tried.  So we did the right and fair thing for each other...but in the process, the Golden Child became Humpty-Dumpty who fell off the wall and couldn't be put back together again, at least not in the same way.

When Preacher Dad found out, sister Nancy told me he nearly had a heart attack.  Immediately, and without giving it a second's thought, I exclaimed to her, "Shame on him!"  Instinctively I knew in that moment that if anyone in the world should have been there for me, it would have been my preacher dad who supposedly knew about the love and grace of Almighty God!  But I shocked myself.  Did I say that?  Suddenly I knew I was figuring it out.  You cannot please all the people all the time, not even the ones you love the most.

So the Journey began.  The Journey of being me, myself and I, no matter what people thought.  I was 45.

Now fast forward.  When I first started posting my images on Shutterchance 4 years ago, I had no clue what I was doing.  I had never taken a photography course and barely knew how to use my camera other than to point and shoot and upload my pictures.  Within the first two weeks I received a couple comments that "criticised" what I had done.  I was so devasted I almost quit.  Thankfully, I DIDN'T but swallowed hard and paid attention to what was being critiqued.

What I have discovered, however, good critisms and critiques notwithstanding, is that photography, like life, is something where you simply CANNOT please all the people all the time.  "It's too dark.  I don't like how you cropped it.  You shouldn't have cut off the top.  It would look better in color.  I don't like your texture."  Etc., etc.

I am learning to curb my tongue, graciously accepting the "opinions" of others, even if I don't agree with them.  I don't say "shame on you," nor do I even wince that much anymore.  I do better if the criticism isn't harsh, but the older I get, the more I pay attention to what daughter Amy told me when I started:  "Mom, it's YOUR blog and you can do whatever you want!"

Having said that, I still die for at least some of you appreciating my images!  [I'm not dumb!]  How's that for climbing back up on the pedestal wall!  :) 

I'd Rather Be Fishing

Those bumper stickers always make me smile.  I'd rather be fishing or biking or dancing or quilting or whatever.  The list is endless.

Monday is notarious for people "rathering" to do almost anything than going back to work after the weekend.  Even though I'm retired now, I still remember those days.  To be honest, I liked going to work so Mondays never bothered me.  Nor was I a big partier, so I didn't have to deal with hangovers.  But I know I was the exception to the rule.

One sticker says "I'd rather be digging my grave" and that got me thinking.  Why is it that we'd almost always rather be doing something different than what we're doing right now?  Or why are we often thinking about something fun we did back then...or will do this weekend or 4 weeks/months/years from now?  I'm not sure it's just about the grass-being-greener thing.  I think it's about a very human condition:  we tend to live in the future or the past but seldom in the NOW.  It takes a lot of work.

There's much written on the subject, of course (Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now being one of the best), and sometimes "incidents" remind us to just enjoy what we have right now.  Astrid heard the other day, for instance, about a previous neighbor who suddenly keeled over and died at age 56.  I wonder if he was enjoying life before that moment or if he had things on his back burner for another day that will now never come.

Maybe I'm talking about two things:  enjoying what's happening right now (even if it's Monday morning at work) AND making the things we enjoy happen now instead of who knows when.  But why is either so hard?

Surely there are sticking points beyond our control.  Our hands are tied.  We have responsibility, health and money issues.  Some things will simply never happen and we all know it.  And so we brainwash ourselves into thinking we are stuck and things will never change.  Our now becomes ho-hum or, for some, downright miserable.

Some people have more fire under them than others and are the go-getters we watch and marvel at.  They seem to have an easy time of making things happen.  But that's probably not true.  We may never know the blood, sweat and tears that got them to where they are now.  All we know is our story and how trapped or in a rut we can feel.  If the cycle never breaks, it can be truly depressing.

We saw the above little girl the other weekend while driving out in the countryside here in The Netherlands not far from home...and I saw myself in her.  My body is getting older and less capable but that Child is bouncing around like a ping-pong ball inside of me, often pestering me with "C'mon.  Let's go fishing!"

And why not?  Let's just go do it.  Let's enjoy the work on our plate, do the dishes with a smile on our face and...then go fishing.  Have our cake and eat it, too.  Little rewards after the odd jobs of my retired life, waiting for the out-n-about weekend after Astrid has worked her tail off all week.  Okay, it's Monday.  How many more days till Friday, did you say?  It sure beats the digging-my-grave alternative!

[Did you see Toni and Marcie's V2V post on Saturday?  Marcie's little boy and my little girl are fishing buddies!  :) ] 

I Like Living

"I like living.  I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

--Agatha Christie