On Coloring Outside the Lines

I’ve started coloring again! 

All those books I collected 10 years ago…12 of them, with Celtic designs, knots and mazes (some as stained glass on translucent paper); Native American mandalas; op art and prismatic designs; Viking art…all of them I brought over The Big Pond 3 years ago to my new Dutch home. 

Along with my 100-felt-tipped-pen set.

However.  I do NOT like coloring outside the lines!  In fact, whenever I do it accidentally, it bothers the heck out of me.  And that’s putting it mildly. 

[It also bothers the heck out of me that the above scan has many color gaps/separations within the lines that are not in the original.  I'm such a darn perfectionist.  But this post isn't about that.  It's about what's outside the lines.] 

Which is to say I’ve never liked that metaphor:  coloring outside the lines.  After having it drummed into me since birth that I must stay INSIDE the lines, or else, why would I ever want to break the rules.  Especially since I’m a people pleaser!  It’s stuck deep within my psyche.  And it’s made me a very uncurious, safe person.

Somewhere along the line it starts seeping in:  Wear purple when you’re old.  Eat dessert first.  Dance as though no one’s looking.  Quit your job if you don’t like it.  Get more for less.  Ignore the curfew.  Skinny dip.  Sneak out.  Live like you’ll die tomorrow.  Stop conforming.  Rebel against the system.  Do something stupid.  Belly laugh.  Embarrass your kids.  Pick up pennies.  Bend the bullet.  Break the rules. 

Speaking of breaking the rules, we're supposed to do that as photographers…and writers…as though it’s expected of us, right?  Learn the rules first…all those stops and whistles…and then try to manipulate them into something different, better, more artistic, more…you.  Textures.  Poetry.  Anything that makes you more than ordinary.  Outstanding in your field.

Then sometimes it surprises us, when we give ourselves permission, to find we really like when that happens!  We trust ourselves to inch closer to the edge because change needs to happen.  Some of us even jump and just go for it.  We cross the line.

Many women before us made decisions that changed their world…or the world: 

Joan of Arc.  Sojourner Truth.   Jane Austen.  Simone de Beauvoir.  Catherine the Great.  Shirley Temple Black.  Cleopatra.  Pearl Buck.  Marie Curie.  Annie Leibovitz.  Amelia Earhart.  Anne Frank.  Indira Ghandi.  Helen Keller.  Frida Kahlo.  Billie Jean King.  Meryl Streep.  Mother Theresa.  Georgia O’Keeffe.  Rosa Parks.  Pocohontas.  Eleanor Roosevelt.  Margaret Thatcher....

They all colored outside the lines.

Lots of heroes to trust, if we can’t yet trust ourselves…while we find out what makes us tick, giving ourselves the leeway to follow beats of other drummers, without caring a hoot what anyone else thinks.

Is it risky?  Is it scary?  Is it against the status quo?  Yes, Yes, and Yes.  But the alternative is downright…BORING.  Marianne Williamson sums it up: 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? 

One of my over-used felt-tipped pens gave up the ghost the other day.  It was one of my favorite colors that I milked dry over 10 years.  Maybe it’s a sign I’m supposed to start using new colors? 

And just maybe that's one way for me to start…coloring outside the lines?

The Answer is Within You

From Medicine Woman Tarot, created by Carol Bridges

But how exactly do you find it!

For several weeks at the end of the old year I was plagued by jumbled thoughts and overly-sensitive emotions about an issue.  I tried to put my finger on it.  Things weren’t quite right.  No sense of camaraderie.  The familiar was gone and nothing left felt cozy or comforting. 

I couldn’t enter the New Year with this detritus.  It would destroy me.  I needed clarity but knew it would take work to find it.  I’d have to go back to the desert to dig up dry bones and connect them.  Breathe life into them.  Find an answer.

Where did this come from?  Why was it affecting me like this?  How could I fix it?  Did I even want to!

So, I breathed in and out.  In and out.  Deeply.  Slowly.  Deliberately.

As I cradled the deck of cards in my hands, I knew the answer was within me.  I shuffled the cards, slowly.  I breathed over them.  Held them lovingly.  They’d pick up the warmth of my psychic energy and would not disappoint.  I believed in them.  They believed in me.  The answer was within me.

I chose a 3-card spread:  what’s been holding me (past), how does it sit with me today (present), and how can it take me to a higher level (future)?

I stopped shuffling and broke the deck, laying out the top 3 cards in order, left to right:

1.  PAST:  2 of Arrows/Swords
vacillation, defensiveness, repressed emotions, blindness to truth, doubt, paralysis, in the dark.

A choice needs to be made.  Unable to make decision.  Stuck.  Fear of consequences.  Disagreement or conflict with someone.  Overwhelmed. 

Interpretation:  Must be honest with self, clear the air and move on.  Take responsibility for my own desires and limitations.

2.  PRESENT:  4 of Bowls/Cups
loneliness, introspection, apathy, inertia, self-absorption, self-pity, despair.

Resentment/disappointment because expectations haven’t been fulfilled.  Let down.  Feelings of isolation.  Deeply hurt.  Dissatisfaction.  Strong desire for change.

  

Interpretation:  Reevaluate present circumstances.  Take responsibility for impasse.  Adopt new approach.  Restore myself.  Move past worries/fears to love myself and accept love from others.

3.  FUTURE:  17 Grandfathers/Star
spiritual vision, birth, independence, calmness, free-flowing love, trust, tranquility, peace of mind, serenity, generosity, hope.

Faith in better future.  Renewed trust in life.  Light at the end of the tunnel.  Wish-fulfillment.  Joy.  Help is on its way.  Happy outcome expected.  Spiritual prosperity.  Clarity.

Interpretation:  Release doubts and fears.  Act in accordance with my true nature for tranquility and inner peace.  Serve and give with gratitude.  Stay calm and relaxed for efforts to come to fruition.

Within 2 days of the New Year, I found my answer.  I had clarity and the weight of the world fell off my shoulders.

I grew up on daily meditations, using the Bible and/or devotional books for what we called Quiet Time.  After my divorce in 1990, ostracized by the organized church for being a gay woman, I delved into the world of my maternal grandfather, one of America’s astrology forefathers back in the ‘20s.

Shortly thereafter I discovered Tarot meditation and found hundreds of decks from which to choose.  Someone said to choose a deck that spoke to me!  When I found Medicine Woman Tarot, with deference to Mother Earth and Native American healing, I immediately chose it.  Or perhaps She chose me, to guide my new journey.

And thus began the travel into my inner, psychic self.  I really do believe the answers are within us and can be found, regardless of what tools we use. 

So many questions answers; so little time.  Let’s go find them in 2013!